Usually, it's a beautiful day in the spring. It conjurs up memories of leaving flowers on a neighbor's doorstep, ringing the bell, and then running away. Beautiful blooms in every color. A day in which the showers of April seem a distant past to the warm glow of the sun (well maybe not so much so for the pacific northwest, but this week seems promising). A day that assures us summer is around the corner, and beauty is everywhere. All the light seems brighter. The warmth feels warmer. Orange and yellow seem more vibrant than ever before. Vacations, summer, picnics, bbqs, family get togethers, holidays...fun. It holds such promise and joy, anticipation.
Usually, it's a beautiful day. But this particular first day of May...it's a tough one. There isn't any getting around it.
Due to be born on this very day, we remember our precious babe lost to miscarriage in September of this last year. I know there are so many others out there who know this pain all too well. I won't embellish much here. I literally can't. There is so much to say. Too many tears. Such heavy emotion. But I do want to take a moment...to pause...to remember.
I know the pain of losing this baby, the often unspoken feeling that someone in our family will forever be missing, will linger in my heart for the rest of my life. We have literally lost a family member...and are grieving this loss. But even so, I can honestly say, I remain thankful. The blessings still overflow, and the joy did indeed come in the morning. It took quite a few mornings actually, but the joy did return. I am more convinced of God's mercy and grace, knowing He is for me...for my good. This little life that we'll never get to snuggle or meet this side of Heaven has changed me...forever affected my heart for good...even more for God, and I am grateful. This precious little one is forever with me.
LITTLE BUDDY AND I ON OUR WAY TO PRESCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER
As a family, we are moving forward, and we remain hopeful. Our son Cooper is a precious gift we treasure and a sweet daily reminder of God's goodness in the midst of this hurt and the desire to grow our family. I do not take my son for granted and will always be thankful for the day he joined us and made me Mommy. Coop fills my heart to the brim daily and is my dream come true. It is my privilege to be his mom. To our friends and family that have prayed for us, loved us, and supported us in this journey, we couldn't be more grateful. It has meant the world. We love you.
LITTLE BUDDY APRIL 2013
And now, knowing my own painful journey, I wish I could go back in time and walk right along side precious family members and friends who have experienced this loss...some more than once...loving them and being more in tune with what losing a baby to miscarriage really entails emotionally and physically. This experience is so beyond anything I could have ever known or understood. It can be so lonely...quiet...as if no one understands or cares...like you're living in a dark cave of despair and the world just continues on without you...and your baby. And adding to that sometimes is just the fact that miscarriage isn't often discussed, and if it is, the conversations can be quite difficult or uncomfortable. People don't know exactly what to say...or if they should say anything at all. I know I didn't know what to say and have even said things (that I thought were helpful) that now I think ridiculous and so dismissive. My deepest apologies to precious family members for not loving and supporting you more intensely...intentionally.
If someone you know loses a precious child to miscarriage, assume nothing. Love them...support them...in any way you can. Do it on purpose. Don't forget them. Ask what you can do to help. And even better, do things for them without asking...buy them dinner, cook them dinner, drop off dessert, take care of their kids for an afternoon, send them a note, talk about the hard stuff with them, just listen, change the subject and talk about other things, help them get alone time with their spouse, grieve with them, laugh with them, let them know they are not forgotten, and make it okay to be real...to be raw. Do everything in your power to let them know they are not alone. It makes all the difference.
Thank you for reading. My prayers are with you...especially those of you who know this pain too well.
With all my love and a hopeful heart,